CT Wins Bronze in Race for Humanity.

If the act of certifying human rights was an Olympic game this past summer, you can guarantee that Connecticut would have placed bronze, right after Massachusetts and California. As of October 10th 2008, the fifth state to join the union became the third state to legalize gay marriage in the United States.
In a 4:3 vote by the state supreme court, all people were certified their right to marry and receive equal treatment, thus adding CT to a growing list of states that recognize all people as equal. Woo hoo.
I'm incredibly pleased at CT for following in the footsteps of its New England buddy Massachusetts. As a resident of MA, I've been enjoying the pleasant feeling of a guiltless sleep since 2004. Indeed, sleep comes easy knowing that at least here, at least in the 10,555 square feet around me, any two people in love can be recognized by the state as two individuals joint together in a bond of commitment and love. Yeah, it's pretty slammin'.
Not to mention, this decision couldn't have come at a better time. What time is that? Economic avalanche time. With the current economic Apocalypse in full swing, it was almost as if CT legislature pulled a fast one on the rest of the country.
"Hey other 49 states! Look! A zebra!" Connecticut yells.
"What? What do you mean Conny? There's no zebras in North America, silly," the rest of the union responds.
"No, seriously guys! There's one right over there!" Connecticut yells back.
The union turns around, facing where Connecticut has pointed.
"See Conny! There was no zebra!" says the US, smugly.
"Oh...Well, we just legalized gay marriage! Bye," Connecticut shouts as it runs away.
Awesome. Good play. That's what us football stars like to call a "Hail Mary". Classic play.

Anyhow, I'm really happy. Only 47 to go. But, the joke is on them, because judges stop giving out medals after the first three.

Kansas just won't Stop Bleeding

Good thing, too.

Waldo a Sore Thumb Compared to John

The John Edwards Campaign thinks they are being clever by creating the "Where's John?" advertisement, a fairly large collage of news clips and newspaper headlines (set to that workin' class favourite "Dueling Banjos!") that show the media's focus on Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, and complete denial of John Edwards's exististence. The Edwards Campaign think that this will make the masses realise how silly the other campaigners and the media are, and succumb to the sheen of John Edwards's hundred dollar haircut. However, the phrase "Where's John?" describes the current campaign for President so accurately, that instead of making me chuckle and purchase a John Edwards bumper sticker, when watching this commercial I found myself shifting around uncomfortably in my computer chair, wondering when the God forsaken banjos would stop dueling.
Currently, John Edwards has not won a single Primary. He came second in Iowa, to Barack Obama, but since then he has come in third, by staggering landslides, in the other three (not counting Michigan, because really, who does?) primaries held. Last night in South Carolina, he was hoping to win, being a former senator from their upper counterpart, North Carolina. Upper Counterpart? Is that an actual term for North Carolina in relation to South Carolina? I don't think so. It feels like something an ignorant North-Easterner like myself would call them. Ah well. Anyway, Mr. Edwards thought wrong. He came in third, again, racking up 18% compared to Barack Obama's 55%, and Hillary Clinton's 27%.
Come on John, really? Is it really the media's fault if you can't sway even a small majority of voters who are but a skip, hop, and a jump away from your own backyard? Do you really need 50 bronze trophies before you call it quits? What are you going to do with all the bronze, John? What are you building? Besides a portfolio of failures, I mean.

Putting the Che back in Cheetos

Recently Cheetos, a division of the Frito Lay Corporation, has started an advertising campaign, that is more than obviously directed towards teens. And not just any teens, but rebellious, mischievous, and gullible teens. This new advertising campaign is called The Orange Underground. Sound intriguing? Exactly.
"The Orange Underground"'s mission is to inspire teens and young people to commit "Random Acts of Cheetos", or as they more commonly refer to it in their series of youtube videos a "RAoC". These RAoCs are pranks aimed towards "The Man", never "The Innocent". In one particular video created by "The Orange Underground", guidelines for becoming part of this "Movement" are set forth. These guidelines include that when committing a RAoC, you must take a video of your act, and post it on The Orange Underground's youtube site, as long as this video obeys the rules of the Orange Underground, and YouTube. The Orange Underground has sample pranks available on it's website, including "Cheetos Itching Powder" and "Cheetos Bus Stop Trap". All of the pranks it suggests involve two things: buying a bunch of cheetos, and using these cheetos to make some sort of political defiance statement.
Was it just me, or was that entire paragraph the most ridiculous thing you've ever heard of? But alas, that is all true. And the scariest part, is that hundreds of teenagers and young people have joined this "movement", in only its third day of existing. Recently, I discovered a publishing and media company called CrimethInc. All of the books it publishes, the movies it makes, and the stickers it produces are also aimed towards young people, and the subject content is primarily about the corruption in the world, and how young people especially can make a difference. These suggestions to improve the world include becoming vegan, graffiting, becoming an artist, starting movements of one's own, and cutting down on purchases in general. I bring CrimethInc up, because like "The Orange Underground", their mission is ultimately to "Stick it to The Man".
However, unlike the independent, and virtually unknown CrimethInc, Cheetos is owned by Frito Lay corporation, which is owned by Pepsi Co. Pepsi Co. has a horrifying track record of actually being "The Man", including doing business with, and ultimately contributing money to the Burmese military junta, a dictatorship responsible for horrendous acts of, no, not Cheetos, but human trafficking, child labour, and overall violations of human rights. Alongside supporting cruel dictatorships, Pepsi sold in India has been proven to contain pesticides that induce cancer and birth defects.
So, buy bags of Cheetos. Fill your boss's car with orange puffs of artificial delicious-ness, and post a video of it on YouTube. The only thing you're sticking to the man is your dignity.

Where's The Yellow?

As most fine Americans like yourself have probably noticed, the current campaign for President has been going on since 1492. The Presidential candidates from both Democratic and Republican sides were on the beaches of the Bahamas welcoming the Nina, Pinta, and yes, even the Santa Maria, as Columbus and his crew patted each other on the back for finally arriving in India. Oh how beautiful Hillary Clinton's banners, Rudi Guliani's bumper stickers, and Mitt Romney's promotional baseball hats looked, when paired with the white sands of the Caribbean.
Okay. Maybe not. Maybe that was all a lie. Beautiful imagery, but a lie all the same. What I'm trying to say, is that the current race for President has been a long and tedious one. A race that is probably on par with the Boston marathon, if Boston were in fact the size of Eurasia. But alas, as we come into the actual election year, these runners, not to mention American voters, can see some sort of end in sight. For most, the finish line is not a line at all, but rather a pit of shame and resentment they will spend the rest of their lives trying to climb out of. But don't let that cool you off! For one man/woman/morman, that line is a glorious line, made of gold, ivory, puppies, saffron, love, fig leaves, and the finest cotton this side of Maine (which for all you cash-crop scholars out there, is no respectable place to buy cotton!).
But like I said before, with Iowa and New Hampshire Primaries out of the way we all can see that line/pit approaching! And boy, can that line/pit see us. It's glaring at us. It's staring into our souls, and making us feel uncomfortable. After these two Primaries, four Democratic candidates, Joe Biden, Christopher Dodd, Bill Richardson, and Tom Vilsack, have withdrawn from the race for the Puppy Line, after clearly tripping into said pit of despair and not liking what they saw/felt/heard/tasted. In the republican race for the Ivory line, Sam Brownback, Jim Gilmore, Tommy Thompson (definitely my favourite candidate when judging by name alone), and Tom Tancredo withdrew, after three primaries taking place in Iowa, Wyoming, and New Hampshire. As far as the candidates still in the race are concerned, Barack Obama and Hilary Clinton lead the Democrats, and John McCain, Mitt Romney, and Mike Huckabee are leading the way for the Republicans.
So, what's next? Well son, the next Primary is going to be held in Michigan, on January 15th. But who cares about Michigan? I certainly don't, but one can never tell the sorts of tricks that are up the sleeves of the Elephants and Donkeys. Why are these animals even wearing sleeves? What are they hiding?! These are all the questions you need to be asking yourself as the scent of Saffron becomes stronger, and the list of states that candidates advertise in becomes longer.

Hillary Clinton, Boo Hoo

By Sean “Quixotic” Donovan

In a well-distributed video, presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton is seen getting choked up because of how difficult running for president is. Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle (well…not really, of course)! If she didn’t just blow her whole campaign! How does she look when compared to the ardent Barrack Obama, or the hypocritical yet crowd-pleasing John Edwards (whose house is six times the size of mine! Ha! A man of the poor! Ha!). Both of these men do not shed a tear. Don’t get me wrong; I think any woman could be just as good a president as any man, but what will the public think?
Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama had jobs that were more difficult and essential than any other candidate in this race. They had to prove to the country that they were able to be president just as well as anyone else. Obama is performing admirably. If I could vote, and neither Joe Biden nor Dennis Kucinich achieved the nomination (which they almost certainly won’t), I’d definitely vote for Barack Obama. Hillary Clinton needed to prove the argument against a woman being president wrong. This argument is mainly that women are not tough enough and are too emotional for the job. So…what is Hillary Clinton doing? She’s ruining her own campaign, for one. She was already behind Obama and Edwards at the Iowa Caucus. However, Clinton has done something far worse than ruin her own chance at presidency.
Clinton has set the possibility of a woman president back a few more years. It was her job to convince the public that, yes, a woman could be president without being too emotional. She obviously didn’t do that, as she is the only one of the candidates who’s been seen publicly crying (although we can all be sure Mitt Romney cries himself to sleep). We are supposedly a country of progressive, even though many countries have already had female leaders. Indira Gandhi was the fourth leader of India after Mohandus Gandhi’s reform (no relation between the two, like how there’s no relation between myself and the Australian actor/singer Jason Sean Donovan). India is largely a Caste society! Come on, people! If they can do it, surely we can!
Of course we can. Women always had the ability within themselves to be president. Unfortunately, this one woman failed to prove that to the public.